BY LADY RHIANNON DRACURIN

I had no idea when I flaunted my father’s power what would be the result. I toyed with the human. I trusted him. I loved him…yes, at first, it was a calculated move, but he was so handsome…so full of that something that humans have that I fell for him. Me…the princess and heir to the kingdom…the one who knows all about LOVE and its meaning and power. I tripped and fell. Head first…or more accurately, heart first…in love with a human.

Oh, that first year was amusing…riding through his dreams at first…then he followed my call and rode over my Tor…and I was waiting! The chase was a merry one…first he was foolish enough to send a servant…what they don’t tell you is that he also sent a knight to try to capture me….with the same result…but the third time, it was him in all his handsomeness who followed me. Eventually, I don’t know if it was frustration or remembering his dreams…but he called out. How simple yet so difficult! I led him and his company to one of the between places and there we pledged our troth. It was a beautiful day!

When he returned for the wedding the next year, he was again glorious and my heart thrilled to see him in his glory enter the Fey realm. My father, though, had invited the one he had arranged for me to wed. Gwawl was there and he loathed Pwyll on sight just as I had loved him. Pwyll was so out of his league when Gwawl engaged him in the game. Among humans, he would have fared well and most likely would have won…but the Fair Folk are masters of words and wit…slippery and twisting and turning every meaning. Pwyll did not really have a chance and was sent away in shame for having had to give up his ultimate prize…his bride…to the very one she (I) loathed.

But luckily for me, we are creatures of ceremony and pride, so we were again given a year and a day of reprieve before I was to wed Gwawl. I rejected every advance that vile cretin made. Mostly, I stayed in the dreamtime, waiting and watching for Pwyll. We devised a plan in the dreamtime…and on the appointed day, at the appointed time, Pwyll walked into the feast hall with the bag of much, dressed as a beggar, and asked for generosity. Being bound by hospitality, Gwawl was obliged to grant his request. By the time Gwawl grew impatient and deduced that he was being had, Pwyll had put over half the feast into the bag! It was so hard to keep from laughing out loud! And when Gwawl stepped into the bag, arrogant fool that he was, it was pure joy that swept through me. I suppose that beating Gwawl while he was trapped in the bag may have been a bit excessive…and left a bad taste in his mouth…which is never a good thing to do with the Fey.

Since we had already technically had our year and a day wait, Father could not object to a simple replacement of the groom in the wedding. And after the feast, we rode away…I knew all that I was forsaking…I knew that I would never return to that shining land. But I had my dream….and I had Pwyll. So I vowed that I would bring to the mortal realm the true practice and presence of LOVE. That perfect love which the wise ones seek in their circles. That freeing love which one sees between a child and their puppy. That enduring love which one sees between old people as one lies dying but the other still gazes at her as though she is the blushing girl he is about to kneel before to ask for her hand.

And again, we had a glorious couple of years. We laughed and loved. The people felt that love and shared it between themselves. And then I was with child and all things were glowing with love and fertility and abundance. The joy in our land was palpable.  Everything was just as I had dreamed it. And then, in one night, it became a nightmare.
Gwawl, who had recovered from his injuries, had been watching…and becoming more wounded in his pride and heart as he watched. When the child, my son, was born he used his magick to entrance all of my attendants. I was weak from birthing and my boy was helpless. Gwawl and his minions stole into the chamber and took him. They rode away and enchanted me such that I could not speak of or remember clearly what had happened. My maids awoke and, fearing the wrath of the king, smeared me with dog’s blood and cried to the king and the court that I had slain the prince. That I had eaten him alive and that I was truly a monstrous hag who had only enchanted the king.

And here is where I began to understand the curse which my father sent after me. Only now did I understand the power of the words of the toast he had made to me when I wed my darling Pwyll  My father toasted us well and spoke with such sincerity that I did not suspect magick. I must have been too much under the spell of LOVE. He said, “My daughter, child of my heart, I wish that you may always love truly, as only you can do…and more, I wish that you shall always *understand*…whatever may befall you.”

Do you understand this? Do you see why it is a curse?

During the farce of a trial, I *understood* that my beloved husband *had* to do this to maintain his kingdom. I *understood* that the maids were fearful and were reacting from that…I understood that my mother in law was jealous and afraid of me and that she was feeling her years and wanted her son wed to a normal, mortal woman. I *understood* that the people were simple, uneducated, superstitious people who knew nothing really of the fey. I even *understood* why Gwawl felt angry and hurt and *why* he had done this thing.

But because I LOVED them all…and I *understood* I could not bear to hurt them…and I could not cry. I could not be angry…I could not scream or gnash my teeth or tear at my hair. All I could do was look at them with terrible, horrible, awful *understanding*!

I think that it was the lack of perceived grief and remorse which really frightened the people. I also *understood* the mercy that my husband was showing me by declaring that I should live my days at the gates to the castle, telling the LIE of a story that the maids had concocted to any who approached and bearing them on my back to the halls above.

And through all of that, I LOVED him. I did this for 7 years…then one day a shepherd came and heard my story…and instead of having me carry him, he left…with a look of concern and question in his eyes…and I *understood* that he was my salvation from this. He returned in 3 days with a beautiful lad…and I again *understood* what had happened. When my son stood before me, a strapping and beautiful boy of 7, looking so like his father, my chains were released from the curse of Gwawl. We went to the hall of the king and my son stood at my side and I spoke the truth which had been locked away for so long. I still could not be angry about any of it…because I LOVED them all and *understood*.

Things were never quite the same with Pwyll…I *understood* he felt guilty and horrible about the 7 years I had been punished. But I couldn’t be angry to assuage any of his guilt. I *understood*. Also, when Pwyll hosted a great feast to welcome home his son and heir, a neighboring regent and his sister attended.  When I met Manawydan, I also *understood* that he and I would have a Great Love…but that it would not be for many years. I *understood* that I had made my vows to Pwyll and that I must endure the loss of that man whom I loved as the parting is also part of the loving and that no man who is so LOVED should ever die alone.

So I continued. Some of the people came to love me again. They mostly accepted me and some even forgot the way that I had come to be queen. When Pwyll passed to his next life, I mourned but I also smiled because I *understood* the way it works. When Manawydan asked for my hand and my son agreed, I *understood* that we would have to go away from Dyved, as there could be only one king.

When my Manawydan also left me, I understood…and I understood when Gwawl finally got his revenge…I dwell now in a castle and lands between…never to walk the fey lands, and never to walk with my Beloved humans.  But I understand…and I love…

Sadly, my priestesses are also subject to this curse. The best of their lot is that they do experience the full and wondrous feeling of Pure and True LOVE. They share that love in many ways and it is powerful magick.  But the curse continues…with that LOVE, comes the *understanding*.  The great, and wonderful, and peaceful, and terrible *understanding*.  I would weep for them…but I *understand*.