BY JAMES C. EGAN

(Author’s Note: I in no way endorse heavy drinking. If anyone has a problem with drinking, please seek help with groups like Alcoholics Anonymous.)

There is a saying in almost all of the Christian denominations that no one but two people have ever walked on water. Conversely, absolutely no one can walk just on air alone. However it has been in my experience that in a certain theatre company, which shall remain anonymous, and a certain actor who shall remain anonymous (It wasn’t me) while trying to pretend to be blindfolded the actor actually forgot to adjust his blindfold, and while “pretending” to walk blinded across the stage, he unwittingly stepped off the proscenium stage into the front row of the orchestra, landing squarely on a paying customer. We did not get sued. The show went on, as it should have. Later that evening, the entire cast, crew, and producers celebrated by drowning our good fortune with the laws of gravity with three shots of gin, one-half part white wine with quinine, a shot of vodka with a lemon twist and no olives, and a beer chaser. We all just drank the beer.

There is a Theist saying that there is only one God, but don’t tell that to a theatrical director. To them, there is only one director. Most actors like to think they are part of a pantheistic worldview and take on, surreptitiously, the assisting role of The Deity backstage directing other actors, who, and it should be paramount that all understand this, resent be directed by fellow cast members. Same said actors resent last-minute notes from the actual director and also participate in assisted directing to the other actors that they resented in the first place. Interestingly enough, some stage managers, after procuring their union card, will take it upon themselves to also direct even if the director is present. One such situation went like this:

Stage Manager/Actor: (to another actor) “I need you to act better.”

Actor: “What do you mean, better?”

Stage Manager/Actor: “You know, better. Better than what you are doing.”          

Actor: “Does that mean faster or louder?”

Stage Manager/Actor: “Both.”

Actor: “I can only do one or the other. It’s in my contract. I can only act faster or louder, not both.”

Stage Manager/Actor: “OK, then act faster. Your work is so bad I need you off the stage and quick.”

After the run, the entire company went to the nicest Italian restaurant to celebrate, and I wasn’t invited.

There is a Zen saying: “When the show goes wrong, blame the stage manager.” Conversely, stage managers have a Zen saying: “When the show goes wrong, blame the technicians.” There is another Zen saying: “When technicians say they know what they are doing, they don’t.” This is why artistic people in the theatre, actors, writers, and directors, practice Zen. It allows for an avenue of blame that will not disturb the natural artistic balance so delicately achieved by the art department.

There is, however, an entire Buddhist movement emerging for technicians. With them, there is a Zen saying: “When the show goes wrong, drink plenty of water, or just straight whisky.”

The technical side of the business is very difficult to get into nowadays due to so many millions of applications being filed on a daily basis. Most of the professional shows I’ve been in have gone without a hitch, except on a rare occasion when an actor would forget an entrance or a line. Even more rare would be a technical glitch. But when there would be a problem on the technical end, it was because the majority of the technical staff was sufficiently and religiously plastered.

About the Author

James Egan has been a writer and an actor since the 1980s, enjoying a long and diverse career in theatre, film, and radio. He has accumulated an impressive body of work, with some of his most recognizable credits including Hamlet, Macbeth, Pirates of Penzance, etc. As a writer, James has authored several plays and a sci-fi novel called Tales of the Astro Force as well as his fantasy satire Innerworld. He has also served as a writer for the Passion Play for over 12 years. He has written lyrics and a stage adaptation for Todd Shaffer’s screenplay of The Promise: Birth of the Messiah, an animated Christmas musical.  His stage adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol ran consecutively for 22 years and is sometimes performed in other parts of the country.